I have had several of you remind me over the last few weeks that I haven't been blogging. While I am so very thankful for my loyal readers, and the fact that you enjoy my blog, I have a confession to make. I have not been blogging lately for one reason, and one reason only; If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Lately, I just haven't had anything nice to say.
First, I have to complain about the weather. I mean what is up with all these teasers?? Its almost May, and I am expecting consistent 60 degree, sunny days. Instead, I am given cold, dreary days. I can handle the drear when its warm outside, but by past struggles with depression seem to rear their ugly head about this same time every year. Winter doesn't bother me....its Spring, or at least the first month and a half of Spring.
Secondly, I have been struggling with my self-image a lot lately! Last summer, I dropped 30 lbs. I was motivated and happy, and energetic. Well over the course of the last 6 months, some of that weight has slowly creeped its way back in, even though I have still maintained a majority of the healthy lifestyle that I started last year. So it puts a real damper on one's self image, when you try to be healthier and don't succeed. Hoping that the soon to appear nicer weather (see previous paragraph) will change this funk around and will make it easier for me to give myself a little kick.
And lastly, and unfortunately the most influential thing of the "If you don't have anything nice to say" phrase is my children. The weather change seems to be affecting their behavior as well. I am finding myself dealing with more and more stubbornness and challenges of my authority, and frankly, ain't nobody got time for that. Zoey, the 7 year old, seems to have an argument for everything I say. The talking back and questioning of authority is really getting to be too much. I lose my temper with her on a daily basis. Nothing makes you feel like a great mom more then the guilt you feel after losing your temper of your kids (insert sarcasm here). Me thinks I need a permanent time out.
Blake. That one word sentence says so much. To know my son, is to truly respect him. I am so grateful for the friends in our lives who take the time to understand Blake and peel back his layers to see the true gem he can be. I need a reminder of that so often. But I fear we are losing ground. It feels as though we have taken 6 steps back. The hitting has returned. I really, really despise the hitting, and no matter how many times we stress that hitting is not how we show our anger, the message doesn't get through. When he's mad, he tends to hit. And it doesn't even need to be explosive anger either. A kid could not play the game the right way and he hits. I could tell him no, he can't do that right now, and he hits me. His therapists and teacher tell me to ignore a lot of the bad behavior because he is doing it for the response. But I cannot ignore the hitting; yet when ever I address it, it seems to make it worse. This anger issue, was one of the very first concerns we had with Blake over two years ago. Before the diagnosis, before therapies and school, the anger and hitting and throwing things were what caused us the most fear. And now, here we are back at what I feel is not too far from square one. Its been a very frustrating last few weeks, and I don't see much in the way of progress.
That is why I am not blogging. Because to be honest, I just don't have anything nice to say.
4/11/13
Page 11
So, as usual, the last week has gotten away from me without a single blog post. Sorry to all my dedicated readers out there! I promise to get better :)
This morning, at 8 am we had Blake's IEP meeting....the third one in the last 14 months. This meeting was tremendously important, as it would outline the entire school year for next year. For those of you who are unaware, IEP stands for Individualized Education Program. All states have some form of IEP for children in the school system who require a learning plan tailored to their specific needs. This allows the parents to be advocates for their children and during the annual review, they are able to voice their concerns and discuss the goals they have for their child in the coming year.
Blake just turned 4 in February, so due to Illinois laws, he will attend Pre-K for another year. The 2013-2014 school year will actually be his 3rd school year. The most fantastic news out of all of this, is that Blake will be able to return to our "home-school" (our district school) for next year. He has been attending a school in another district because they offer the specialized Early Childhood class that he has been in. It is considered to be a Special Education Pre-K for children with special needs. His teacher, was singing his praises this morning about how far he has come in the 14 months she has had him in her class. And as his mom, I couldn't agree more. He has made so much progress.
Blake's IEP report is 16 pages long. At the meeting were his current teacher at High Mount, his new teacher at William Holliday, the Principal of WH, the social worker for WH and High Mount, the OT of WH and High Mount, and the Special Education teacher at WH, and Kevin, Blake and myself. Its a little daunting, and the meeting lasts merely an hour. That's not a lot of time to try and get a whole entire school year in place. However, one of the best things about Pre-K is seeing the teacher everyday and being able to work with her on an as needed basis. After sitting with his future teacher today, I feel extremely confident that she "gets" Blake and his needs and will be a wonderful teacher for him.
But the truly, most amazing thing about this whole morning, is one little blurb in the middle of page 11 of the report. It states that for the 2013-2014 school year, Blake will be 100% REGULAR EDUCATION and 0% SPECIAL EDUCATION. His current placement is the exact opposite. He is 100% Special Education now. I am welled up with tears and emotion right now as I type. And I understand and realize that this is only for this year, and when he transitions to Kindergarten, it will be a whole different ballgame. But for now, and for the next year, my boy will be like all the other 4 year old Pre-K students.
I can't help but feel like rejoicing as I turn around and see the enormous mountain behind me, and look around the beautiful valley that I am standing in. I ignore the giant mountain range that lies beyond the horizon. Right now, in the moment, I feel as though I can breathe. And I know that its just a piece of paper with some writing on it. But it stands for how far we have come in the last 2 years. It stands for all the tantrums and meltdowns that we have made it through. And it stands for the countless hours of therapies and the nights I have cried myself to sleep, thinking I can't help my boy. 100% Regular Education!! And even if its only for the next 12 months, I'll take :)
Jenn :)
This morning, at 8 am we had Blake's IEP meeting....the third one in the last 14 months. This meeting was tremendously important, as it would outline the entire school year for next year. For those of you who are unaware, IEP stands for Individualized Education Program. All states have some form of IEP for children in the school system who require a learning plan tailored to their specific needs. This allows the parents to be advocates for their children and during the annual review, they are able to voice their concerns and discuss the goals they have for their child in the coming year.
Blake just turned 4 in February, so due to Illinois laws, he will attend Pre-K for another year. The 2013-2014 school year will actually be his 3rd school year. The most fantastic news out of all of this, is that Blake will be able to return to our "home-school" (our district school) for next year. He has been attending a school in another district because they offer the specialized Early Childhood class that he has been in. It is considered to be a Special Education Pre-K for children with special needs. His teacher, was singing his praises this morning about how far he has come in the 14 months she has had him in her class. And as his mom, I couldn't agree more. He has made so much progress.
Blake's IEP report is 16 pages long. At the meeting were his current teacher at High Mount, his new teacher at William Holliday, the Principal of WH, the social worker for WH and High Mount, the OT of WH and High Mount, and the Special Education teacher at WH, and Kevin, Blake and myself. Its a little daunting, and the meeting lasts merely an hour. That's not a lot of time to try and get a whole entire school year in place. However, one of the best things about Pre-K is seeing the teacher everyday and being able to work with her on an as needed basis. After sitting with his future teacher today, I feel extremely confident that she "gets" Blake and his needs and will be a wonderful teacher for him.
But the truly, most amazing thing about this whole morning, is one little blurb in the middle of page 11 of the report. It states that for the 2013-2014 school year, Blake will be 100% REGULAR EDUCATION and 0% SPECIAL EDUCATION. His current placement is the exact opposite. He is 100% Special Education now. I am welled up with tears and emotion right now as I type. And I understand and realize that this is only for this year, and when he transitions to Kindergarten, it will be a whole different ballgame. But for now, and for the next year, my boy will be like all the other 4 year old Pre-K students.
I can't help but feel like rejoicing as I turn around and see the enormous mountain behind me, and look around the beautiful valley that I am standing in. I ignore the giant mountain range that lies beyond the horizon. Right now, in the moment, I feel as though I can breathe. And I know that its just a piece of paper with some writing on it. But it stands for how far we have come in the last 2 years. It stands for all the tantrums and meltdowns that we have made it through. And it stands for the countless hours of therapies and the nights I have cried myself to sleep, thinking I can't help my boy. 100% Regular Education!! And even if its only for the next 12 months, I'll take :)
Jenn :)
4/1/13
LIGHT IT UP BLUE!!
Today is April 1st, 2013. It is a Monday and it marks the start of National Autism Awareness Month. I have decided to take this month and use my blog to raise awareness. I have many friends and readers who have expressed what little information they have about Autism and what it exactly is. Today, I will answer the what it is, and over the net few weeks, I will go more in depth about statistics and the far reaching effects of Autism.
As many of you already know, we have only been aware of Blake's diagnosis for a little over a year. But we are not strangers to the disorder as my oldest half-brother, Grant, also is on the autism spectrum. It has been a huge blessing to have my father and step-mom acting as mentors, as they have been forging this road for over 10 years now. And even though Grant and Blake to not have all of the same characteristics they do share some, and advice and help over the last year has been wonderful.
Autism and ASD (autism spectrum disorder) are both terms used to describe a complex group of disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors. They include autistic disorder, Rett syndrome, childhood disintegrative disorder, pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) and Asperger syndrome. With the May 2013 publication of the new DSM-5 diagnostic manual, these autism subtypes will be merged into one umbrella diagnosis of ASD. ASD can be associated with intellectual disability, difficulties in motor coordination and attention and physical health issues such as sleep and gastrointestinal disturbances. Some persons with ASD excel in visual skills, music, math and art. Autism appears to have its roots in very early brain development. However, the most obvious signs of autism and symptoms of autism tend to emerge between 2 and 3 years of age. (Blake was diagnosed two weeks before his 3rd birthday.)
Autism statistics from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) identify around 1 in 88 American children as on the autism spectrum–a ten-fold increase in prevalence in 40 years. Careful research shows that this increase is only partly explained by improved diagnosis and awareness. Studies also show that autism is four to five times more common among boys than girls. An estimated 1 out of 54 boys and 1 in 252 girls are diagnosed with autism in the United States.
As many of you already know, we have only been aware of Blake's diagnosis for a little over a year. But we are not strangers to the disorder as my oldest half-brother, Grant, also is on the autism spectrum. It has been a huge blessing to have my father and step-mom acting as mentors, as they have been forging this road for over 10 years now. And even though Grant and Blake to not have all of the same characteristics they do share some, and advice and help over the last year has been wonderful.
Autism and ASD (autism spectrum disorder) are both terms used to describe a complex group of disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors. They include autistic disorder, Rett syndrome, childhood disintegrative disorder, pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) and Asperger syndrome. With the May 2013 publication of the new DSM-5 diagnostic manual, these autism subtypes will be merged into one umbrella diagnosis of ASD. ASD can be associated with intellectual disability, difficulties in motor coordination and attention and physical health issues such as sleep and gastrointestinal disturbances. Some persons with ASD excel in visual skills, music, math and art. Autism appears to have its roots in very early brain development. However, the most obvious signs of autism and symptoms of autism tend to emerge between 2 and 3 years of age. (Blake was diagnosed two weeks before his 3rd birthday.)
Autism statistics from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) identify around 1 in 88 American children as on the autism spectrum–a ten-fold increase in prevalence in 40 years. Careful research shows that this increase is only partly explained by improved diagnosis and awareness. Studies also show that autism is four to five times more common among boys than girls. An estimated 1 out of 54 boys and 1 in 252 girls are diagnosed with autism in the United States.
By way of comparison, more children are diagnosed with autism each year than with juvenile diabetes, AIDS or cancer, combined. ASD affects over 2 million individuals in the U.S. and tens of millions worldwide. Government autism statistics suggest that prevalence rates have increased 10 to 17 percent annually in recent years.
Until recent years, there was no answer as to what causes Autism. Through research, they are starting to discover that just as there is no one type of Autism, there is no one cause for Autism. The clearest evidence of these autism risk factors involves events before and during birth. They include advanced parental age at time of conception (both mom and dad), maternal illness during pregnancy and certain difficulties during birth, particularly those involving periods of oxygen deprivation to the baby’s brain. It is important to keep in mind that these factors, by themselves, do not cause autism. Rather, in combination with genetic risk factors, they appear to modestly increase risk.
Each individual with autism is unique. Many of those on the autism spectrum have exceptional abilities in visual skills, music and academic skills. About 40 percent have average to above average intellectual abilities. Indeed, many persons on the spectrum take deserved pride in their distinctive abilities and “atypical” ways of viewing the world. Others with autism have significant disability and are unable to live independently. About 25 percent of individuals with ASD are nonverbal but can learn to communicate using other means. Autism Speaks’ mission is to improve the lives of all those on the autism spectrum. For some, this means the development and delivery of more effective treatments that can address significant challenges in communication and physical health. For others, it means increasing acceptance, respect and support.
There is no test to determine if one has Autism, or ASD. Physicians and/or psychologists may administer a specially designed autism behavioral evaluation. After spending 1.5 hours in a room with us and Blake, a team of Psychologists, Speech Therapists and other therapists, diagnosed Blake as having mild to moderate Autism. They didn't even need to leave the room to discuss it. They already knew.
The Modified Checklist of Autism in Toddlers (M-CHAT) is a list of informative questions about your child. The answers can indicate whether he or she should be further evaluated by a specialist such as a developmental pediatrician, neurologist, psychiatrist or psychologist. (Take the M-CHAT here.)
Most of my information came from the Autism Speaks website. Its a great tool for individuals who would like to know more about Autism and ASD or if you are a family member of someone with ASD. Below you will find a chart showing the drastic increase in Autism diagnosis's over the years. Autism Speaks raises money for research to study Autism and to one day find the answers. However, there is a huge need for help for families with autistic children, especially as the lower functioning individuals reach adulthood. My brother will be turning 16 this year, and my dad is finding there is a large lack of resources out there.
I thank you for taking the time to read up on Autism. Tomorrow, April 2nd is National Autism Awareness Day and Autism Speaks asks the world to Light It Up Blue for the day. So if you see a blue light tomorrow, you will know what it is for.
Bar chart of the number (per 1,000 U.S. resident children aged 6–17) of children aged 6–17 who were served under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) with a diagnosis of autism, from 1996 through 2007.
3/26/13
Sometimes, all you can do is laugh :)
So, its been a VERY busy, and heart wrenching last few weeks. We have been dealing with some extended family issues, and its definitely been taking its toll on my stress level!! But through it all, I am trying to remain focused on me. I cannot change others....I can only change myself, and the way I react in situations. I am finding it is better to just LOVE in all things. So thankful for a loving God who loves me, stains and all :)
Now on to my reason for today's post. I was thinking today at how really amazing our God is. I mean, I think that all the time, but I just had one of those WOW kind of moments. He picked me to be the mother of Blake and Zoey long before he picked my mom to be my grandma's daughter and on and on. He knew the difficulties I would face, and he knew that I would have a loving, generous man to face it with. However, what really got me today is God's sense of humor!!
Yes, you read that right. I am, and always have been a spontaneous, fly by the seat of my pants, procrastinator. And I certainly cannot be the only one out there!! But the reason why this is so extremely funny, is because God placed two people whom I love with all my heart in my life who are the EXACT opposite....I call them strategically rigid. (I am so coining that phrase!!) They are my husband, and my son.
And this makes for a very....interesting....home life. I am still trying to figure out how to be more structural for my son's sake. I was never too worried about Kevin....he loved me stains and all just like God does. I have shown him the Dark Side, and he likes it....sometimes. But Blake, even though he loves Star Wars, not so fond of the Dark Side. He likes the side with lots of rules and lights and everything in a straight line. He'd make a really good Yoda.....
So every day, I try to bend him to my way, and every day we battle, because when I think I have prepared him enough, given him enough structure, he proves to me that its just not enough. This little game we play is often time consuming and miserable. But there are times, like now, when I can sit and see the humor in it all.
Touche God.....touche.
Now on to my reason for today's post. I was thinking today at how really amazing our God is. I mean, I think that all the time, but I just had one of those WOW kind of moments. He picked me to be the mother of Blake and Zoey long before he picked my mom to be my grandma's daughter and on and on. He knew the difficulties I would face, and he knew that I would have a loving, generous man to face it with. However, what really got me today is God's sense of humor!!
Yes, you read that right. I am, and always have been a spontaneous, fly by the seat of my pants, procrastinator. And I certainly cannot be the only one out there!! But the reason why this is so extremely funny, is because God placed two people whom I love with all my heart in my life who are the EXACT opposite....I call them strategically rigid. (I am so coining that phrase!!) They are my husband, and my son.
And this makes for a very....interesting....home life. I am still trying to figure out how to be more structural for my son's sake. I was never too worried about Kevin....he loved me stains and all just like God does. I have shown him the Dark Side, and he likes it....sometimes. But Blake, even though he loves Star Wars, not so fond of the Dark Side. He likes the side with lots of rules and lights and everything in a straight line. He'd make a really good Yoda.....
So every day, I try to bend him to my way, and every day we battle, because when I think I have prepared him enough, given him enough structure, he proves to me that its just not enough. This little game we play is often time consuming and miserable. But there are times, like now, when I can sit and see the humor in it all.
Touche God.....touche.
3/12/13
Why an elevator can cause a domino effect.....
I am laying in bed tonight and can't sleep. I have a knot in my stomach from an incidence earlier tonight with Blake, and as I lay here tonight thinking back on things, I see where we went wrong. Where as parents, we failed our child. And it's literally gut wrenching.
We asked a lot out of him tonight. And in return, we got a melt down. A bad one....one which left Kevin and I feeling like the worst parents of the year.
When I picked Blake up from school today, I immediately began discussing the evening's schedule with him, cause it was a doozy. First, I told him we would be going to pick Zoey up from school, then home to wait for daddy to get home. When daddy got home, we would head to McDonald's for an early dinner (there was a fundraiser for Zoeys school there tonight). After McDonald's, it was off to Zoey's dance class. An hour long event...an event where the last time we tried this for just a few minutes, Blake ran screaming through the halls and tried to run into the dance studios. Then after dance class, we would head to the hospital to visit Kevin's dad who had been admitted earlier. He seemed fine with it all, and I even asked him to repeat everything back to me. He nailed it! I knew he was comfortable because he could foresee the events and we could talk him through the night.
It all actually went very well, until the end of the night. Blake sat and played the iPad with Kevin during Zoeys dance class, while I sat in and observed. He was accepting of entering the hospital, and even did well with two elevator rides and winding corridors. He sat with his poppy and watched cartoons and then, he was done, and we left. We walked to the elevators. A door was opening. We walked on, while Blake stood screaming about the other door. The kind ladies laughed and held the door for us. Kevin finally dragged him onto the elevator and he laid in the floor until the door opened. He ran ahead of us down the hallway, obviously mad. When we got to the parking garage, and the next set of elevators, again the door opened, someone was holding it for us while Blake screamed about the other door. This lady, was not so understanding, and asked us his age, and then sneered that sneer I have seen one too many times, as if to say, get a grip on your child. Feeling defeated, we all left the elevator and Blake protested. We started to walk towards the car, and he came running out not concerned with the oncoming car. Kevin carried him to our van, and tried getting him in his seat. He screamed, kicked, threw things at us, and finally I forced him into his seat. My patience was gone, and I just wanted a cooperative kid who sat silently in his seat. Instead I had a screaming, thrashing boy who I lost my temper with. It wasn't pretty. And then Blake started crying for his Boo-boo...a small square blanket with a puppy head that rattles. It's his thing...his safety net....his thing that tells him everything is alright with the world even though his insides are churning. As I climbed in behind the wheel, my heart ached for him. I knew something was off, and it was more than him just not getting his way. But I didn't understand.
Later, as I looked back over the events, when I was calm, and my head was clear, I had a moment...like in those cartoons when the character has a light bulb over their head. It was so simple really, but I hadn't taken the moment to think about it. Blake likes familiarity. And when we were leaving, he couldn't tell us why, but he insisted we ride the over "door". The same "door" (elevator) we rode when we arrived, but it didn't hit me then. On the way out, it was two different doors...unfamiliar....scary. I had just assumed it was Blake being stubborn. It wasn't. It was Blake trying to comfort himself the way he knew how and I didn't understand.
I miss the boat so many times with him. Just when I think we are managing just fine, he throws another curveball my way. I just wish it was easier. That I could bring him comfort and safety some way.
Moments like that drain me in every way possible. I just pray that one day we can both understand each others worlds enough to make it through without emotions like these.
Jenn
We asked a lot out of him tonight. And in return, we got a melt down. A bad one....one which left Kevin and I feeling like the worst parents of the year.
When I picked Blake up from school today, I immediately began discussing the evening's schedule with him, cause it was a doozy. First, I told him we would be going to pick Zoey up from school, then home to wait for daddy to get home. When daddy got home, we would head to McDonald's for an early dinner (there was a fundraiser for Zoeys school there tonight). After McDonald's, it was off to Zoey's dance class. An hour long event...an event where the last time we tried this for just a few minutes, Blake ran screaming through the halls and tried to run into the dance studios. Then after dance class, we would head to the hospital to visit Kevin's dad who had been admitted earlier. He seemed fine with it all, and I even asked him to repeat everything back to me. He nailed it! I knew he was comfortable because he could foresee the events and we could talk him through the night.
It all actually went very well, until the end of the night. Blake sat and played the iPad with Kevin during Zoeys dance class, while I sat in and observed. He was accepting of entering the hospital, and even did well with two elevator rides and winding corridors. He sat with his poppy and watched cartoons and then, he was done, and we left. We walked to the elevators. A door was opening. We walked on, while Blake stood screaming about the other door. The kind ladies laughed and held the door for us. Kevin finally dragged him onto the elevator and he laid in the floor until the door opened. He ran ahead of us down the hallway, obviously mad. When we got to the parking garage, and the next set of elevators, again the door opened, someone was holding it for us while Blake screamed about the other door. This lady, was not so understanding, and asked us his age, and then sneered that sneer I have seen one too many times, as if to say, get a grip on your child. Feeling defeated, we all left the elevator and Blake protested. We started to walk towards the car, and he came running out not concerned with the oncoming car. Kevin carried him to our van, and tried getting him in his seat. He screamed, kicked, threw things at us, and finally I forced him into his seat. My patience was gone, and I just wanted a cooperative kid who sat silently in his seat. Instead I had a screaming, thrashing boy who I lost my temper with. It wasn't pretty. And then Blake started crying for his Boo-boo...a small square blanket with a puppy head that rattles. It's his thing...his safety net....his thing that tells him everything is alright with the world even though his insides are churning. As I climbed in behind the wheel, my heart ached for him. I knew something was off, and it was more than him just not getting his way. But I didn't understand.
Later, as I looked back over the events, when I was calm, and my head was clear, I had a moment...like in those cartoons when the character has a light bulb over their head. It was so simple really, but I hadn't taken the moment to think about it. Blake likes familiarity. And when we were leaving, he couldn't tell us why, but he insisted we ride the over "door". The same "door" (elevator) we rode when we arrived, but it didn't hit me then. On the way out, it was two different doors...unfamiliar....scary. I had just assumed it was Blake being stubborn. It wasn't. It was Blake trying to comfort himself the way he knew how and I didn't understand.
I miss the boat so many times with him. Just when I think we are managing just fine, he throws another curveball my way. I just wish it was easier. That I could bring him comfort and safety some way.
Moments like that drain me in every way possible. I just pray that one day we can both understand each others worlds enough to make it through without emotions like these.
Jenn
3/11/13
Confession Time!!
WOW!! That felt good to get that off my chest :) So, let's hear it...what's your confession?????
Jenn
3/6/13
Monday, November 14, 2005
Zoey Makenna Thomas, my firstborn, my little angel, my 7 year old sweetheart. This is the story of how she came into our world.
When Zoey was conceived, Kevin was a SSgt in the United States Air Force. We were living in a two bedroom townhouse on Scott Air Force Base. I was working for a real estate company, and we had been married for 9 months. We were both really excited and could not wait to start our family.
Everything was going along great with my pregnancy. I was super sick for the first month and a half, and couldn't keep anything down. I remember being in the car on the way to work and just praying that I would make it there in time to avoid puking in my car. Then we had the 20 week ultrasound. "It's a girl!" we were told. "See the hamburger?" Yes, that's how we were told that our firstborn was a girl. But then, the tech seemed to be taking her time, making more measurements, squinting her eyes. Panic set in. And we left.
At the next appointment, we discussed the results of the ultrasound, and that's when we found out that our daughter had a condition called Hydronephrosis. Basically, one of her kidneys was larger than the other and had fluid in it. The doctor explained that it was nothing to worry about and that she could outgrow it, but that we should have regular ultrasounds for the remainder of the pregnancy and a follow-up ultrasound after she was born to check the dilation. And even though the doctor had said not to worry, I immediately did. Regardless of the extremity of the condition, I had just found out that my daughter could suffer outside of the womb.
After continued ultrasound monitoring (which ended up being a blessing because I was able to see my baby 3 more times before she was born), we were told that there was no change, which was a good thing. I felt relieved and was finally able to stop worrying about her.
I visited labor and delivery several times the week leading up to her birth....all times for contractions that were leading nowhere. I know now, that those contractions were NOTHING!! Then, on a Sunday evening, my contractions began to pick up their intensity and frequency. I was 38 weeks and 6 days. By midnight, after hours of contractions, and my wonderful husband's tricks to try and help ease my pain, I was ready to head to the hospital. Contractions were roughly 5 minutes apart, and radiating from my back around. Back labor...yay me!!
When I got settled in my room, and they checked me, we received the glorious news that I had progressed to 5 cm and that we would be having the baby soon!! I got up and walked the halls, and swayed around my room. By the time I reached 7 cm, the tears were flowing, and the inevitable, it's now or never opportunity came for the epidural. I was scared, and my husband and mom both convinced me that I was worn out and could use the relief, since 8 hours and passed and I was still several more away. The epidural needle petrified me, but in the end, it was extremely bearable. Within minutes, I was snoozing. A few hours later, the nurses came in to tell me that my labor was slowing down (a side effect of the epidural) and that they needed to give me a drug called pitocin to speed the contractions back up. They also explained that during a contraction, the baby's heart rate would slow down and they needed to use an internal fetal monitor. Everything was happening all at once, and I felt like I was loosing control. I rested some more, and they came in and told me that it was finally time to push.
I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, for over two hours, without any progress. No one was telling me much of anything other than she was positioned wrong and wouldn't descend. The doctor came in and told me that if she didn't come out soon, they would have to take me for an emergency c-section because she was loosing oxygen. In a last ditch effort, the doctor came in and hooked up the vacuum extractor to help me with pushing. The first push, the vacuum popped off Zoey's head. And the second....however, the second time was much worse than the first, and there was a lot of blood. The third, and final time the vacuum was used, we were able to get her out.
I didn't see her, there was no crying. She was rushed to an incubator across the room and 5 people (or more) swarmed around her. Minutes later she was rolled out of the room. I hadn't held my daughter. I hadn't even seen her. My husband looked worried. My mother was in a chair with her head in her hands. I was told that i had been given a partial episiotomy and had torn the rest of the way and that they would need to repair the damage. So, as I lay there, helpless, no one was saying anything about our daughter.
I remember getting up off the table to go take a shower, and halfway to the bathroom I collapsed on the floor. I was weak. I couldn't walk. It was then that I found out that I had lost a lot of blood, and would need to rest and use a wheelchair until my blood supply was regained. While I was in the shower, a nurse came to get my mom and Kevin to take them to Zoey. We still knew nothing except she was in the NICU, and my mom saw her when she was born and she was blue. I couldn't see her yet. I was so messed up on the inside, and my heart ached.
When they got me to my recovery room, my mom and Kevin came back and explained to me that Zoey was on 100% oxygen. She wasn't breathing on her own. She also had a hemotoma on her head the size of a softball. When the vacuum popped off her head, it tore off part of her scalp and caused a fluid filled sac to form. There was worry of brain damage and impairments. They both looked defeated. I was crushed. I did the only thing I could do, and from deep inside my heart, I cried out to God.
When I was finally able to be wheeled down to the NICU, I was so excited to see her. Friends of mine had come and gone, and they had seen my daughter before me. I was not prepared for what I would see, or that I wouldn't be able to hold her. I felt like there was nothing I could do. So I sat there and just watched her.
The next 24 hours were torture, but when they finally took her off the oxygen, and I was able to hold her, it was the most amazing experience. I was still in a lot of pain, but I sat there just holding her as long as I could. We were told that the worst was over, and I realized that this little 8 lb 5 oz bundle of joy was my little miracle. God had answered my prayers, and had completely healed my baby girl.
We have many baby pictures which show Zoey's scar on her head....a reminder to us how God saved our little girl. And now, 7 years and 3 months later, she is still my little miracle. She amazes me every day of her life. God saved her for a very, very special purpose....to save my soul. I can't wait to see what else he has in store for her :)
Jenn-one proud mama
When Zoey was conceived, Kevin was a SSgt in the United States Air Force. We were living in a two bedroom townhouse on Scott Air Force Base. I was working for a real estate company, and we had been married for 9 months. We were both really excited and could not wait to start our family.
Everything was going along great with my pregnancy. I was super sick for the first month and a half, and couldn't keep anything down. I remember being in the car on the way to work and just praying that I would make it there in time to avoid puking in my car. Then we had the 20 week ultrasound. "It's a girl!" we were told. "See the hamburger?" Yes, that's how we were told that our firstborn was a girl. But then, the tech seemed to be taking her time, making more measurements, squinting her eyes. Panic set in. And we left.
At the next appointment, we discussed the results of the ultrasound, and that's when we found out that our daughter had a condition called Hydronephrosis. Basically, one of her kidneys was larger than the other and had fluid in it. The doctor explained that it was nothing to worry about and that she could outgrow it, but that we should have regular ultrasounds for the remainder of the pregnancy and a follow-up ultrasound after she was born to check the dilation. And even though the doctor had said not to worry, I immediately did. Regardless of the extremity of the condition, I had just found out that my daughter could suffer outside of the womb.
After continued ultrasound monitoring (which ended up being a blessing because I was able to see my baby 3 more times before she was born), we were told that there was no change, which was a good thing. I felt relieved and was finally able to stop worrying about her.
I visited labor and delivery several times the week leading up to her birth....all times for contractions that were leading nowhere. I know now, that those contractions were NOTHING!! Then, on a Sunday evening, my contractions began to pick up their intensity and frequency. I was 38 weeks and 6 days. By midnight, after hours of contractions, and my wonderful husband's tricks to try and help ease my pain, I was ready to head to the hospital. Contractions were roughly 5 minutes apart, and radiating from my back around. Back labor...yay me!!
When I got settled in my room, and they checked me, we received the glorious news that I had progressed to 5 cm and that we would be having the baby soon!! I got up and walked the halls, and swayed around my room. By the time I reached 7 cm, the tears were flowing, and the inevitable, it's now or never opportunity came for the epidural. I was scared, and my husband and mom both convinced me that I was worn out and could use the relief, since 8 hours and passed and I was still several more away. The epidural needle petrified me, but in the end, it was extremely bearable. Within minutes, I was snoozing. A few hours later, the nurses came in to tell me that my labor was slowing down (a side effect of the epidural) and that they needed to give me a drug called pitocin to speed the contractions back up. They also explained that during a contraction, the baby's heart rate would slow down and they needed to use an internal fetal monitor. Everything was happening all at once, and I felt like I was loosing control. I rested some more, and they came in and told me that it was finally time to push.
I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, for over two hours, without any progress. No one was telling me much of anything other than she was positioned wrong and wouldn't descend. The doctor came in and told me that if she didn't come out soon, they would have to take me for an emergency c-section because she was loosing oxygen. In a last ditch effort, the doctor came in and hooked up the vacuum extractor to help me with pushing. The first push, the vacuum popped off Zoey's head. And the second....however, the second time was much worse than the first, and there was a lot of blood. The third, and final time the vacuum was used, we were able to get her out.
I didn't see her, there was no crying. She was rushed to an incubator across the room and 5 people (or more) swarmed around her. Minutes later she was rolled out of the room. I hadn't held my daughter. I hadn't even seen her. My husband looked worried. My mother was in a chair with her head in her hands. I was told that i had been given a partial episiotomy and had torn the rest of the way and that they would need to repair the damage. So, as I lay there, helpless, no one was saying anything about our daughter.
I remember getting up off the table to go take a shower, and halfway to the bathroom I collapsed on the floor. I was weak. I couldn't walk. It was then that I found out that I had lost a lot of blood, and would need to rest and use a wheelchair until my blood supply was regained. While I was in the shower, a nurse came to get my mom and Kevin to take them to Zoey. We still knew nothing except she was in the NICU, and my mom saw her when she was born and she was blue. I couldn't see her yet. I was so messed up on the inside, and my heart ached.
When they got me to my recovery room, my mom and Kevin came back and explained to me that Zoey was on 100% oxygen. She wasn't breathing on her own. She also had a hemotoma on her head the size of a softball. When the vacuum popped off her head, it tore off part of her scalp and caused a fluid filled sac to form. There was worry of brain damage and impairments. They both looked defeated. I was crushed. I did the only thing I could do, and from deep inside my heart, I cried out to God.
When I was finally able to be wheeled down to the NICU, I was so excited to see her. Friends of mine had come and gone, and they had seen my daughter before me. I was not prepared for what I would see, or that I wouldn't be able to hold her. I felt like there was nothing I could do. So I sat there and just watched her.
The next 24 hours were torture, but when they finally took her off the oxygen, and I was able to hold her, it was the most amazing experience. I was still in a lot of pain, but I sat there just holding her as long as I could. We were told that the worst was over, and I realized that this little 8 lb 5 oz bundle of joy was my little miracle. God had answered my prayers, and had completely healed my baby girl.
We have many baby pictures which show Zoey's scar on her head....a reminder to us how God saved our little girl. And now, 7 years and 3 months later, she is still my little miracle. She amazes me every day of her life. God saved her for a very, very special purpose....to save my soul. I can't wait to see what else he has in store for her :)
Jenn-one proud mama
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