Why not?

Today seemed like a good day to start something that I have been meaning to do for some time.....a blog.  I had tried this once before, and I must say, like most things in my life, I procrastinated about it, and soon it became a chore and stopped being something I really wanted to do.  But now, I desperately need an outlet, a venting platform and hopefully an audience who can sympathize, empathize, or sometimes just laugh with me through some really hard days.

I am Jenn, a wife and mother of two.  But that doesn't really define me.  I think recently I have let it define me and even let it be my excuse.  I am so much more than that, and I can accomplish so much more.....if only so much wasn't required.

In the last year I have added a new title.  Advocate.  I am now my autistic son's advocate....well, Kevin (my husband) and I both are.  We are Blake's voice when his is nothing but shrieks and screams and unintelligible mumbles.  We stand in for him to see that he is treated fairly and is given the same chance as any other 4 year old boy.  We like to think that we are effective.  That we are helping.  It gives me something to do other than worry about the future.

The future.  A huge unknown in our lives right now.  The next 6 months could bring a whole new slew of trials.  My bag of tricks now is like a weird mix of calming videos, iPhone Apps and candy.  Tags must be cut from all articles of clothing, and simply hanging up a coat on a hook can cause a meltdown.  I never know when and if something will effect him.  Its a daily learning process.

Take today for instance.  The dreaded 4 year check up.  Discussing Blake like he isn't even in the room (however, in some ways, he never really is in the room even when he is) and referring to him as developmentally delayed.  It breaks my heart...into a tiny million little pieces to hear him referred to like that. But its true.  And it still hurts.

And then we have the vaccinations.  I hate vaccinations....like truly despise them with all that I have.  I don't want my kids to have them.  We have proof that Blake has toxic levels of heavy metals in his body, heavy metals that they add to vaccinations to make them last longer.  I do not like wondering if I did this to my son.  If letting the nurses inject him a dozen times before he was two with chemicals and heavy metals somehow caused this "developmental delay".  But I can't not give them to him.  Because what if he does contract polio, or a deadly strain of pneumonia and then he dies.  Because I didn't give him the vaccinations.  I would rather have my beautifully minded autistic boy, then to not have him at all.  So I despise vaccinations for all the turmoil and guilt that they present to me.  He needs 4 before Kindergarten, so today he got two.  And the guilt weighs heavily on me.

There are times when I am just so overwhelmed with idiosyncrasies.  Like the insisting that Daddy is home, when his car isn't in the driveway and he is nowhere in the house.  The iPhone app that all he does is scream at because its so hard, yet is the only one he consistently demands to play.  Or TruMoo chocolate milk being the ONLY chocolate milk (or anything else for that matter) he will drink and the only place you can find the gallons of it is at Target.

Then there are times, like now, when he comes to me with a rather large blanket and asks to snuggle.  My days as a mom are a constant roller coaster of emotions.  But believe it or not, its those emotions that keep me grounded to the ground

 :) Jenn