Why an elevator can cause a domino effect.....

I am laying in bed tonight and can't sleep. I have a knot in my stomach from an incidence earlier tonight with Blake, and as I lay here tonight thinking back on things, I see where we went wrong. Where as parents, we failed our child. And it's literally gut wrenching.

We asked a lot out of him tonight. And in return, we got a melt down. A bad one....one which left Kevin and I feeling like the worst parents of the year.

When I picked Blake up from school today, I immediately began discussing the evening's schedule with him, cause it was a doozy. First, I told him we would be going to pick Zoey up from school, then home to wait for daddy to get home. When daddy got home, we would head to McDonald's for an early dinner (there was a fundraiser for Zoeys school there tonight). After McDonald's, it was off to Zoey's dance class. An hour long event...an event where the last time we tried this for just a few minutes, Blake ran screaming through the halls and tried to run into the dance studios. Then after dance class, we would head to the hospital to visit Kevin's dad who had been admitted earlier. He seemed fine with it all, and I even asked him to repeat everything back to me. He nailed it! I knew he was comfortable because he could foresee the events and we could talk him through the night.

It all actually went very well, until the end of the night. Blake sat and played the iPad with Kevin during Zoeys dance class, while I sat in and observed. He was accepting of entering the hospital, and even did well with two elevator rides and winding corridors. He sat with his poppy and watched cartoons and then, he was done, and we left. We walked to the elevators. A door was opening. We walked on, while Blake stood screaming about the other door. The kind ladies laughed and held the door for us. Kevin finally dragged him onto the elevator and he laid in the floor until the door opened. He ran ahead of us down the hallway, obviously mad. When we got to the parking garage, and the next set of elevators, again the door opened, someone was holding it for us while Blake screamed about the other door. This lady, was not so understanding, and asked us his age, and then sneered that sneer I have seen one too many times, as if to say, get a grip on your child. Feeling defeated, we all left the elevator and Blake protested. We started to walk towards the car, and he came running out not concerned with the oncoming car. Kevin carried him to our van, and tried getting him in his seat. He screamed, kicked, threw things at us, and finally I forced him into his seat. My patience was gone, and I just wanted a cooperative kid who sat silently in his seat. Instead I had a screaming, thrashing boy who I lost my temper with. It wasn't pretty. And then Blake started crying for his Boo-boo...a small square blanket with a puppy head that rattles. It's his thing...his safety net....his thing that tells him everything is alright with the world even though his insides are churning. As I climbed in behind the wheel, my heart ached for him. I knew something was off, and it was more than him just not getting his way. But I didn't understand.

Later, as I looked back over the events, when I was calm, and my head was clear, I had a moment...like in those cartoons when the character has a light bulb over their head. It was so simple really, but I hadn't taken the moment to think about it. Blake likes familiarity. And when we were leaving, he couldn't tell us why, but he insisted we ride the over "door". The same "door" (elevator) we rode when we arrived, but it didn't hit me then. On the way out, it was two different doors...unfamiliar....scary. I had just assumed it was Blake being stubborn. It wasn't. It was Blake trying to comfort himself the way he knew how and I didn't understand.

I miss the boat so many times with him. Just when I think we are managing just fine, he throws another curveball my way. I just wish it was easier. That I could bring him comfort and safety some way.

Moments like that drain me in every way possible. I just pray that one day we can both understand each others worlds enough to make it through without emotions like these.

Jenn